A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!"

After a moment of silence............he farted.
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JIM'S ANNIVERSARY PRESENT

Jim was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Jim has been missing since Friday.

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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44
long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new
underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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Never, Ever, Ever, EVER…

Under
ANY Circumstance…
Kiss A Monkey!!
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