Mitch Hedberg is my favorite comedian of all time. His style (random non-sequiturs) reminded me of old-school Stephen Wright.

Hedberg sadly died in March of 2005 of a drug overdose. But here are some of my favorite quotes from his stand-up (courtesy of Wikiquote):

* I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f*cker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f*cker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

* I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to WAIT."

* I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "f*ck that, I'll just get a tan instead."

* I bought a house, it's a two-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? f*ck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy's house. "Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"

* When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.

* I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh*t.

* Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullsh*t replica, 'cause dude didn't even get his degree.

* I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.

* I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner."

* You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?

* I like the FedEx driver, because he's drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!

* My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.

* I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

* I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

* I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. Then when I finally walk in, the guy says "Can I help you?" "Just practicing!"

* A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

* I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too.

* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so I got a cake.

* I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.

* I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

UPDATED TO ADD...

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all of those people were at my show.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together and then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes all at once.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here!

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they're just as good, and we're not wasting time.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.""

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several, simultaneously with two other guys who look just like me.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file at home, under 'D'".

I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you."

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

A mini-bar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the mini-bar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off and charge me, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." How you'd pull that off? What's that camera look like?

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Sometimes I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load stuff into a truck.

I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question."

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell Xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.