I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Therapy is expensive, but poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

You say I'm a b*tch like it's a bad thing.

Okay, okay, I take it back! Unf*ck you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not allmen are annoying. Some are dead.

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

And which dwarf are you?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

An erection doesn't count as personal growth.